The Myth of the “Real Home” after Divorce
Welcome back to my series on the top co-parenting mistakes. And today I’m diving into something that often gets miscommunicated to children by divorced parents. And that’s the idea that your place is the real home and your ex’s place is just a place to visit or a place they have to go every other weekend.
And I do get it. We all want our kids to feel like our home is the home base. But here’s the kicker, it’s not. Not anymore. Once you’re divorced, your child has two real homes and pretending otherwise is just asking for trouble.
When your child goes to their other home, it’s not just about a change of address, it’s a physical and emotional shift for your child. And yes, it’s a legal one as well. The physical reality is that unless you’re doing something like bird nesting where the kids always sleep in the same house and parents kind of take turns living somewhere else . . . unless you’re doing that, your kids are literally living in two separate places. Each house is where they eat and sleep . . . it’s where they keep their stuff and where they find their routine. It’s not a hotel, it’s their life.
Then there’s the emotional reality. Home is where kids feel loved. It’s where they feel cared for. It’s where they build their dreams and their memories. And when parents divorce, their definition of home naturally stretches to include both your place and your ex’s. And both homes become opportunities to experience safety and security.
In fact, when children experience belonging, warmth, structure, and consistency in two homes, instead of the pre-divorce conflict and negativity in one home, it can mean that the divorce was actually a good thing for that child. Children who are no longer exposed to negativity in the home often do better than children whose parents stay married and stay miserable.
So yes, divorce is not always a bad thing for kids. But it likely will be if the child hits emotional roadblocks on their way to their second home. Kids need to feel like they belong in both homes, not like they’re a guest. And they should never feel like being in their second home means that they’re hurting their other parent.
So there’s the physical reality and the emotional reality of living in two homes, but there’s also the legal reality. And the law isn’t exactly subtle about this: custody arrangements spell out exactly where your child lives. And even if one has sole custody, the child is still spending an awful lot of time at the other parent’s place. And that makes it a crucial part of their life. Joint custody arrangements, basically, say it out loud. Your child lives in two places, so while you may think you’re helping create stability, sort of a home base for your child, by calling your home the real home, it’s simply not true. It’s not helpful.
In fact, that little habit can create some very real problems for your child. First, loyalty traps are a very real thing, and they’re nasty. Your child needs to love both of you. When you hint that one home is less important than the other home, you’re basically forcing your child to pick a side. Yeah. And that can easily make a child, uh, feel guilty for loving and enjoying their time with their other parent.
That’s the same kind of awful loyalty conflict as when you’re using your child as a messenger. Second, you’re undermining your child’s other parent. When you act like their home isn’t the real home, you’re actively telling your child that the other parent’s rules and authority don’t matter. It gives your child permission to disrespect the other parent, to disrespect their home; and that is not good for anyone.
Now, I certainly recognize that calling one home their real home is sometimes not a mistake. Sometimes it’s a passive aggressive attempt to discourage a child’s relationship with the other parent. It happens all the time, and that passive aggressive behavior isn’t just bad for your child. It’s a surefire way to escalate conflict with your ex who understandably is going to feel disrespected by you, and that leads to more arguments that your child is inevitably going to have to deal with.
Third, instability . . . that thing you think you’re avoiding by calling your home the real home . . . it doesn’t work. Kids thrive when they’re surrounded by predictable, loving caregivers in safe and secure environments. When you devalue one of your child’s homes, it just adds to their lives a layer of chaos, a layer of uncertainty, a layer of unpredictability. A child’s sense of belonging contributes in a huge way to their sense of stability.
Don’t let them believe that they don’t belong there or they shouldn’t be there, or it’s just a temporary place to sleep. They aren’t just visiting their parents’ other home, they belong there. And they very much need to know that you support that, that you’re encouraging them to be there. And that’s true even when the relationship between your child and their other parent isn’t all that great; it’s still their home. If your child doesn’t feel like they belong again, it creates a great deal of insecurity and that leads to anxiety, irritability, and a whole bunch of other mood and emotional challenges that you’re going to have to deal with.
I get it: having two homes is an absolute pain in the neck for everyone, and it has a lot of challenges. But those challenges are manageable. The emotional damage from parental conflict and disrespect, however . . . that stuff is like lead poisoning: it’s toxic for the rest of your child’s life.
So what’s the healthy move? Well first, make both homes feel like home. Give your child their own space in both houses. Let them keep their stuff there, respect their privacy, and make sure they can truly relax. It’s their private, safe place. And above everything else, make sure that they feel like they truly belong.
Number two, be a team player. You and your ex might not have the same rules and that’s perfectly okay. Kids are smart. They can figure out how to navigate those differences. The important thing is that you’re on the same page about the big stuff, like safety and core values.
Number three, talk to your ex. Maybe you have to use a coparenting app or rely on email or text. I know, sometimes face-to-face is a nightmare and some couples or coparents just can’t do it. But whatever you do, keep the lines of communication open and respectful. That creates a great deal of stability for kids, and it supports the idea that they have two homes.
Number four, be emotionally responsible. Minimize the drama. Be on time for drop offs. Be on time for pickups. Be flexible when life happens. The more stable you can make their world, the better.
Number five, teach your kids how to keep track of their stuff. Make it okay to bring things back and forth. And if the clothes that they’re wearing when they come back to your house are clothes that their other parent bought, just wash them and send them back. And most importantly, listen to your kids. Allow your kids to talk about their feelings and then don’t use their feelings as an excuse to trash the other parent.
At the end of the day, your child’s idea of home has just gotten bigger. Your job is to help them feel safe and loved in both places. When you embrace the reality of two homes, you’re giving your child the stability and security they need to thrive. Even though their family looks an awful lot different than it used to.